Things that pisses me off........(part 2)

List of people that make me so angry that I wanna rip out my eyeballs out and replace it with
my other pair of balls....

1) People that send Good morning and good afternoon and good evening mails.

2) People that have a saying in the signatures of their mails. Hey buddies, guess what? I dont give a rat's ass about wat Aristotle said or wat Conficious said. You know, actually if someone put this saying, that would be saying the truth :

"Men like me are really are so jobless that we take out our frustration by annoying others
with meaningless anecdotes"
- Frustrated, Jobless, stupid software engineer

3) Credit card company representatives, who by the way have the worst sense of timing in the world, call you up to offer really lucrative deals with their credit cards. Guess what people -
THERE ARE NO LUCRATIVE DEALS IN CREDIT CARDS. Once you get one, you are screwed for life!!!!

4) Indian cricket team selectors. Wat the hell. I guess these guys are having lemons for eyes and peanuts for brains. I'll tell you why. If you made my 8 year old cousin as the selector of the national team, he would not pick jackasses like Sehwag ,Harbajan, Pathan, Agarkar. The last time I remember these guys performing was in the 20th century!!!!!If you ask the selectors why they select these numbskulls, they'll say that we are short of talent. SHORT OF TALENT!!! People, of 1 billion people if we cannot have a decent team of 11 players then I think it is high time we get out of the sport.Australia, that beer swilling redneck prison convicts down south, have a population of 20 million(2% of ours) can have one great team and a bunch of awesome reserves, the I really think itz time we went back to our roots - beating up people with hockey sticks

5) PETA(People for the Ethical treatment of Animals): A group of the Biggest losers on the
planet.Their slogan is "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment". Wat the @^#%? Let us look at these one by one

a) Wearing dead animals is a stupid thing that these ladies do. I mean, these ladies can wear a dead fox around their shoulders, but are scared of a cockroach?? This is crazy
PETA 1, sane humans 0
b) Experiment on: As I already mentioned in my previous post, hippies can be used for this
purpose, but then the whole world would start noticing. So we have no other options. I mean,
who will poor Paris hilton or Madonna test their new line of cosmetics on?
PETA 1, Sane humans 1
c) Entertainment: This one is a no-brainer. Where would we be without animal movies like
Jurassic Park, King Kong,Godzilla, Dr Dolittle or the animated ones like Shrek, madagascar.
I mean you would have no cock fights, maybe in NASA bar Bangalore ;-) ;-).
PETA 1, sane humans 2
d) Eat : PETA 1, sane humans 3

I mean the guys at PETA , assuming that they are veggies, are at fault too. Plants have
feelings too. Nobody cares about them. Just because they can't speak doesnt mean that we
have to harm them. Please read PETV

6) Indian kids under 18 who think they are american : Dear Reader, Please do me a flavour.
If you ever find an Indian kid impersonation americans(usually blacks) or american culture,
give them a hard kick in the ass.Stupid Idiots. Mimicking the americans would be like
mimicking the apes.

7)Anybody and everybody associated with ZOOM television: Cmon. A channel dedicated only to see wat the celebrities do, where they eat and other news.U want real entertainment. Go to
Majestic area in the evening with a camera and see all the tomfoolery that happens there.

To be continued....

Hippies are Dummies!!!!!

Oxford Dictionary defines a hippie as follows : A Hippie is a pot-smoking, nature loving, peace craving, vegetarian, HIV-spreading, Space -wasting, classic rock listening, dumb, idiotic, impractical, dumb morons.

Man I hate hippies... I get so pissed off with them... Many times I wonder what purpose they would serve in the real world... Here are a list of things that I thought could be done with the hippies:

1. Parking your car on them.
2. Sending them to any war so they get killed instead of real people.
3. Medical testing (they're stupid like animals; just knock them out and give them a shot.. they won't know what happened)
4. Using them for ammo. We should pack them into missiles and launch them over towards Pakistan. Their smell is potent enough to make any enemy surrender.
5. Target practice
6. Fertilizers(Hippies always say that they are in touch with the nature)
7. Hippies make great janitors in prison (after all, they have the smell down).
8. Decorations. Add colour to your festival celebrations with a few hippies impaled on your walls (Dracula style).
9. Hippies make great scapegoats. Bad day at work? Famine? Plague? Cancer? Blame it on hippies.(This is usually what I do)
10. Hippies are always good for kicking and would act as a great football.
11. Hippies are fun to tease (good for laughs when you're bored)
12. Raw sewage storage (Hippies will eat anything)
13. Hippies are flammable and make for great campfire fuel.
14. Hippies will do free work to clean up the world (those suckers love earth).
15. Hippies are great for mixing with cement and throwing off bridges (just for fun).
16. Hippies are perfect for running over (always sleeping on park benches and sidewalks)
17. Hippies can be used as flotation devices i.e. they can be kept under your seats in an airplane and can be used in the case of emergencies(Provided u can stand the stink)
18. Hippies can also be used as dry logs in campfires(They love the nature)
19. Hippies can be used as a mode of transport during bandh times
20. Hippies can be used as dead bodies in the movies( Never get a hippie to act)
21. Hippies can be used as a vacuum cleaner (Beware... They suck really well!!!)
22. Hippies can be used as road blocks
23. Hippies can be used to detect & test new strains of HIV
24. Hippies lungs can be used as ashtrays
25. Hippies can be used as ploughs in the fields
26. Hippie can be used as cleaning tools by proctologists(anal doctors)
27. Hippies can be used as urinals .In the case of emergencies, it can be used for no 2 also
28. Hippies can be used for the measurement of the intensity of natural disasters in hippie scale(This is done by sending the hippies to the eye iof the storm and then counting the casualties)
29. Hippies can be used to check the integrity of weak structures

This is just some of the things that the hippies can do other than.....(what the hell do they really do???)

If you think you know some other useful things that the hippies can do, then please commente.

P.S. I would like to thank lead hippie, Shiv Sahgal, for providing me an insight in the crappy world of hippies

My fav English movies - part 1

1) Godfather 1 2
2) Goodfellas
3) Memento
4) The Matrix 1 2 3
5) American History X
6) Reservoir Dogs
7) The Departed
8) Forrest Gump
9) Batman Begins (Best action-hero flick)
10) Kill Bill 1 2
11) The Incredibles
12) Toy Story 1 & 2 (greatest animated movies ever)
13) Crash
14) Back to the future 1 2 3
15) Groundhog Day
16) Shrek 1 2
17) The TerMinator 2
18) Little Miss Sunshine
19) Scarface
20) Schindler's List
21) Hotel Rwanda
22) Saving Private Ryan

to be continued............

Things that pisses me off.........(part 1)

Today morning I saw the newspaper and the headlines read " Diplomatic twist to slur on Shilpa". It said both the relations between the two governments could be severely affected.What the hell is going on here?? It was a tv show for crying out loud!!! Why didn't the government intervene when R Madhavan was killed due to the use of defect parts in RANG DE BASANTI!!! This made me think(finally!!!)... Usually I am pissed off with so many things, not many people knw that... So I thought I could make a list of things that pisses me off... So here goes

1) Mobile phones : Shocking!!!!These things are so getting f^%$in ridiculous and annoying. Every person I see has a mobile with him/her. Not that there's anything wrong with that though, but the problem is that these guys are not really used to these instruments that they forget the basic mobile manners. I see people riding a motorcycle and also on the phone. This is insane. Both the activities that they are doing definitely do not have the same levels of urgency.. Either pick up the call later or finish the call and then carry on with the journey.Also I am pissed off with the goofballs who forget to set the fone to vibrate in a cinema hall. A crucial scene would be keeping the audiences to the edge of their seats and the goofball's fone rings and he answers it as well!!! Sick of these people...Also the addons(camera,radio,tv,email, blah...blah...) to these fones are increasing in such great speed that o

2) Chinki females: Nooo, I am not getting racist or anything here.. There is a reason why I am pissed off with all these chinky females(question: who are they? where are they from? what the hell are they speaking?). I am riding on my bike,see, and I see this real gorgeous female on a bike/moped/walking whatever, and I race on my bike to have a look at the .............. face of the female and it turns out to be a chinki... So pissed off with them... Why the hell do they have to look so freakin gorgeous from the behind??.. Even if(by god's grace) they are good looking, they are already with a chinki dude whose pants look as though they are going to drop off any moment...

3) Credit Card companies: These guys are the limit... They have this incredible knack of always irritating you at the wrong times.... When you are in a meeting.... When you are eating... Some of them call you up well into the night..I have a solution to all of them... Revive Hitler from the dead and tell him that all these tele-marketers are Jews.... Bam.... All of them together in a gas chamber.....While that is being done, tell him that all the hippies in Goa are also jewish... Two birds in one stone...

4) Hippies in Goa: These fair skinned, pot smoking, gang banging hippies are really getting me more and more pissed off.... Goa is freakin filled with them....I, an Indian, was a minority there.. Are they actually doing anything for either themselves or Goa.... NO.... All they do is smoke pot and lie on the freakin beaches... I was almost happy for a second when I heard that the terrorists were going to bomb Goa!!!!!

5) Aishwarya Rai : Read previous post...

6) Commies in West Bengal : Enough already... Go find something better to do with you pathetic lives..... Almost every day is now becoming a bandh in Calcutta and Buddda aka CM is wondering why more IT companies are not coming there... Pathetic...

7) People who tell that the whole " Noida killings - Moninder Singh" is really blown out of proportion: Blown out of proportion... What the hell is wrong with you jackasses?? He has killed and then screwed around 20-25 people and they are mostly kids!!!!! I say blow that maniac's head off.... I say that all this stupid hanging or a firing squad wont cut it for this guy....I can suggest a way this guy can be executed(If the govt. is listening).... Firstly this guy should not be given a fair trial as only human beings deserve a fair trial....Execute him... Firsty cut off his p@#$S and feed it to him... After that, take a really hot iron rod and stick it straight up his ass..... And then, since he likes kids so much, get Micheal Jackson(similar tastes!!)to beat him with a baseball bat for about a day.... Micheal, in turn, has a clear history as all the previous charges against him will be dropped.... Then get him to drive a car and park it before Siddhu parks it... Siddhu would actually beat him, but not to death(he's not that dumb).... Then announce public ally that he is dating Aish so that Salman would go to him and beat him up... Finally get that cute little girl who played a blind girl in BLACK( no, not Rani) to shoot him repeatedly with a gun.... That would cut it....SOB

This is not complete... I am pissed off with a lot of other things.... Will continue in my forthcoming posts...

Ash set to marry AB's baby!!!

For all my American readers(if there are any), noo, this is not a child marriage..AB's baby is Abhishek is AB's really big, man-child and in India itz legal for a hooker to marry a man-child under Hindu marrige act, section 256 clause 25 amendment 2554854(for all those fags who want to look up, visit www.helplinelaw.com)

No but seriously... I am soo happy for them.. As for Ash, her legs is finally closed for business(Telgi.. Look for someone else!!)..As for Abhishek, dude enjoy it while it lasts... I along with about 100 million guys know that... As for AB, dude there is no law curtailing incest in India yet.. Enjoy Ash till she's open for business again...

Some people might wonder why I am so pissed of with Ash and anything/everything around her. I'll tell you why.. I knw that shez the hotter than my maid but really looks are not the only things that matter... She needs to either choose kwality(Mmmmm, Icecream) film or a Kwality role. Wearing a bikini in movie doesnt make that a kwality role... Hell Shakti kapoor wore a bikini in a movie... Shakeela doesnt wear anything in a movie... doesnt mean shez a kwality actress(whoa! what the hell is wrong with me... Shez the best we got)... Ash has to choose better roles.. She played herself in Dhoom 2(an urban hooker!!).... All her english movies have flopped.. She played a pivotal role in the career downslide and weight loss!!! of Gurindher Chadda (remember Bend it like "whoever is hot right now")...

Her latest movie was Guru( A movie based on Dawood Ibrahim?? no wait Veerappan??no wait Dhirubhai... Hell I can't find any differences among them...) For all those who havent seen the movie yet, the following points may help you out... For all those who have already(other than in tents or pirated CD's)....BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH......BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Disclaimer:I have absolutely no intent of screwing all the pirated CD/DVD guys(u rock!!!) of their business by tell the truth...So I am also including some lies too...)

1) Truth: Aishwarya has delivered the performance of her lifetime
False : A Mannequin(sex-toy) could have played her part and would have won her a filmfare

2) Truth: Vidya Balan has done a awesome performance as a cripple
False : One of the highlights of the film is her death

3) Truth : Madhavan @ Vidya's kiss is one of the best in the recent times
False : Hell ya

4) Truth : Mukesh Ambani was pissed off that he was shown in poor light in the movie
False : I thought the girl who portayed Mukesh was really hot and he has no reason complain to

5) Truth : Dhirubhai Ambani is one of the greatest businessmen India has ever produced
False : Mohinder Singh was one of the truest and most noblest people that ever lived, ever.

6) Truth : Abhishek and Mithun have delivered great performances
False : Yeah!!!

7) Truth : All the songs in the movies were great..
False : 1) What the hell was bappi lahiri thinking?
2) Did Mani rathnam think that just by having good songs at totally irrelevant times would actually prove he is a good director
3) Mallika Sherawat proves that Man-made things are better than god's creation

8) Truth : The movie is worth every paisa the I spent
False : Deepak, I want my movie back!!!!!!!!

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the highest and 10 the least, I give this movie 65536.

Bengalooored!!!!!

It's official. Bangalore is now Bengalooru or is it Bengaluru!!! I know that people had a lot of issues with the renaming of the city, but will somebody please tell me the new spelling of Bangalore. Is it
a) Bengaloooru
b) Bengaluru
c) Bang Bang Bangalore(ok ok... I know the last one is not supposed to be in the list, but it just sounded cool).
Changing a name is no ordinary thing to our politicians, Nooooo. On Nov 1st, a huge function was organised in the Chinnaswamy Stadium celebrating the 50 years of the formation of Karnataka(Question : What is the Kannada version of Karnataka?? Please submit your entries as a comment to my blog as soon as possible. The first prize is a shiny brand new 5 rupee coin.Also early birds get the worm.. Real worms!!)The CM officially changed the name of Bengalooooru and 9 other cities(Cities, if you can call them that!!) and he thus spake "During this golden jubilee year, the Karnataka government will fulfill the wishes of Kannada people by changing the names of key cities to its Kannada form" Please note, wishes of Kannada people.Bingo!!!! Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!! And the winner is...... CM HDK. Man our CM is good. He can read the minds of all the Kannada people. How did he know this man. Amazing. All the 'Kannada people' would have been like "Ever since I was a kid I had a dream. A wish. A hope. A wish not that I would become rich and/or famous and/or marry someone who's hot or get into a threesome with hot japanese twins(hold on!!! thatz my wish :-) oops!! sorry) or whatever, but wish that the name Bangalore should be changed to Bengalooru. C'mon. Really. I mean how weird would that be. Imagine some bubba(read : stupid/pyaade) actually pulling off this kinda shit. It would be as weird as Hrithik actually acting or Himesh singing from his mouth or whatever.

Herez a really weird scenario. Our 'main man' Bubba is walking down the street in Choolnagar and comes across an envelope that says " FREE PORN!!!!" across it in bold letters. Bubba, the horny toad that he is, immediately rushes to open it up and POOF!!! a genie comes out of the envelope.

Genie : Who the f^#%k was that?? Who the hell wakes me up!!! #$%@#&@#(*)@#.....
Bubba : Oh!! Sorry... Sorry... I thought this envelope contained some kinda free porn... I'm soo sorry.. Who are you by the way?
Genie : Who am I?? I am "The Genie"... Jeez.. Haven't you seen the cartoon "alladin and his magic lamp".. I am the freakin genie from that!!!
Bubba : Buuuttt... Buuutttt.. Why are you here?? Why aren't you with Alladin?? Why are you in a lamp??
Genie : Ya.. Alladin... One day his he wasn't home, you know, and his wife was all alone, you know.... Gigadigigadigigadigo....
Bubba : ok ok.... but what about the lamp
Genie : Cost cutting dude... Lamps are becoming very expensive nowadays and we have to resort to cheap tactics like this!!! Anyways.. You know the drill... Ask for a wish and I will grant it
Bubba : I thought it was three wishes..
Genie : I already told you... Cost cutting... What are you??? Bubba?
Bubba : Ya
Genie : Oh! Sorry about that.... I can change that if you want ;-)
Bubba : No, Ever since I was a kid, I had a wish, a dream.. That the name Bangalore be changed.. Be changed to its kannada name.. Bengalooru
Genie : What the ooru!!!! You have got to be kiddin me!!! In all the years of a genie, I have come across some really weird wishes, you know, Telgi said he wanted a top heroine for a night!!!(5 crores later it happened), Hitler said I need a moustache to assert my power(Hehe, He didn't know that I played a prank on him), Micheal Jackson said he wanted to be white and loved by all the kids!!! and so on... But this is extreme... Too much... Screw it!!! I Quit... No more genie business for me
Bubba : But what about my wish
Genie : Knock Knock
Bubba : Huh!!
Genie : I said, Knock Knock
Bubba : oh!! Whoz there
Genie : Go F#$K yourself

You know what I mean. Anybody would be petrified with such silly wishes. Wish!! Who was he kiddin!!!! Bengalooooooru!!! I'll tell you what. This city doesnt really need a new name. As the Bard of Avon aka Bill Shakespeare once said " Whatz in a Name ", but also mind you, this is the same sadistic ,gay ba%@$#d who a) used only men in all of his plays and b) killed of all his characters in the end. You really don't take things said by this guy seriously. No but, Bengaloooooooru has lots of the other issues towards which the government has turned a blind eye. Bad roads, power shortages, hopeless transportation services, really rude autorickshaw drivers( they are almost as bad as the Chennai ones!!!) , hopeless water supply, bad looking girls etc etc. The condition of our road is so bad, its now famous. The Bengalooooooooru potholes have a website for themselves!!! (http://www.bangalorepothole.com). I mean c'mon, the only thing keeping our city alive is the IT industry and even that, we are losing it to Delhi area. Instead of concentrating on these issues, the government thinks that renaming a city will turn around its fortunes. If thatz the case, then our 'main man' bubba will change his name everyday!!!! A lot of money has been unnecessarily spent on this renaming which could have been used more effectively. Thatz not even the best part. Everything changes because of this. Imagine walking into Bengalooru Central(The crappy shopping mall), or Bengaloooru International Airport( The foreigners will be like, shit, we got into some weird village man.. Lets get outta here!!!!) or the Bengalooru Club(This already weird place gets weirder!!!). And you know whatz the best part?? The renaming will not happen until next year. Next year!!! You know how long that is??? By then Aish would have slept with a dozen guys, Britney would have given birth to half a dozen babies and Angelina Jolie would have adopted them all!!!! Real Issues please

Finally, at the request of a dear friend of mine, I have decided to include disclaimers. I hope this explains everything.

DISCLAIMER:

@Hrithik : I will not apologize for my comments on you in any of my past or present(future even!!)blogs... You are a lousy actor, you always were a daddy's boy and without you dad, your nothing!!!!

@CM HDK : Being the son of the lousiest & laziest politician ever!!! All of this is expected from you. Keep up the good work and the next time you wouldn't even be Elected to the parliment, heck, not even in your own street!!!! And dude, your son is a nice role model to all the kids.... Pot smoking, Crunked Hippie!!!!

@ Himesh : Dude, two words, "You Suck!!!!"

@ Bill Shakespeare : I payed 250 bucks for the tickets of that lousy movie Omkara!!!! This isn't over yet!!!!

@ Aishwarya Rai : Move over Grandma, Hurricane Katrina coming through!!!!

@ Japanese twins : Call me

@ Bubba : HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

@ Gays : If this includes the lesbians too, then I have absolutely nothing about them

Al Qaeda threat to South Indian Airports!!!!!

An airport official in Trichy( A small city/town/village in Tamil Nadu) said that he recived a letter that threatened bomb blasts in all the South Indian airports. In the words of the tennis god John McEnroe "You've got to be kidding me!!!!". Which idiot writes letters like these. Hamburger. "We are going to bomb all the South Indian airports".That's a dead giveaway. Haven't these guys ever heard of stealth?? Haven't these guys watched any of those movies where they teach you how to do a terrorist attack??.Hamburger. This proves one thing though."We Indians are never really good at doing anything right!!". I mean, imagine the plight of the guy who spearheaded this whole initiative.He would have meticulously planned the whole event, leaving on
final detail i.e. the letter to his assistant. He would have told him to give the letter to the airport authorities AFTER the bomb attacks. Also,c'mon,who writes a terrorist letter in tamil!!!!. I mean that should have been the biggest goofup in the historyof terrorism.Bin laden must be spinning in his dialysis machine!!! An Al-Qaeda threat in tamil...C'mon... This is the problem with these tamilians. There are sooo gung-ho about their language( They had once asked for the constitution to be rewritten in Tamil!!!), they refuse to learn
other languages. To them, Hindi & any other language is a ton of bullcrap and Tamil is the national langauage of India. Hamburger.I bet,the guy who wrote the letter must have refused to learn any language other than tamil during his schooling in terrorism school in Pakistan. See this is what we lack in India. A proper Terrrorism school like they have in Pakistan. Pakistan calls it ISI, but whatever.Terrorism school really helps.They help you eliminate the silly mistakes like the ones these guys did.The following are some of the sessions held there:

Lesson 1: Do not, I repeat, Do not send out any hoax message, Finish the work and then send out
the message
Lesson 2: Watch a lot of Terrorism-based English movies like Munich, Fahrenheit 911,World Trade
Center and all the Hrithik Roshan movies(his movies are soo bad that they provoke terrorism!!!) etc

Did you know the list of cities that were on that list!!!! Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore and some airports in Kerala. Hahaha Kerala.. Imagine how frustrated the terrorist must have been with all the mallus(I mean, No Offense but how isn't??). He has decided to bomb some airports in Kerala even though it wasn't on his agenda. I guess this is how the conversation must have been

Terrorist 1: So macha, you got the list of airports to bombaaa. Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore...
Terrorist 2: Ya Ya.. We have gone over the list like a million times... Hamburger...
Terrorist 1: Macha I know this we are terrorists and we are like trying to eliminate all the worldly evil and stuff. Why don't we bomb some cities in Kerala Macha!!!! It would be fun
Terrorist 2: Kerala.. Dude... We have already finished the testing and you are coming up with new requirements now!!!!
Terrorist 1: But macha, like I said before "We are like trying to eliminate all the worldly evil" and we are doing nothing to the mallus. No offense, but aren't they the ones we are supposed to eliminate???
Terrorist 2: I agree with you da, but the problem is that none of the mallus are now in Kerala. Eliminating all the mallus is a very cumbersome process, coz other than Antartica they are present everywhere. They are everywhere. They are like Gults(read Andhraites) in the IT industry. We cannot track them down.
Terrorist 1: But I want to kill some mallus (Crying....)
Terrorist 2: Ok ok.. Stop crying like a baby. We shall also bomb some kerala airports. Some, hell.... there's just one airport in Kerala.. Lets bomb it....

Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore!!!! Which brainiac decides to bomb these airports. Other than Chennai, there are hardly 10 people in all the other three airports combined and all of them are airport personnel!!! Hamburger. All these mistakes come with the lack of a good terrorist school... I hope the government seriously looks into this issue and considering setting up a school at the earliest..

Mera Bharath Mahan!!!

Jai Bharath Mata ki!!!