Bengalooored!!!!!

It's official. Bangalore is now Bengalooru or is it Bengaluru!!! I know that people had a lot of issues with the renaming of the city, but will somebody please tell me the new spelling of Bangalore. Is it
a) Bengaloooru
b) Bengaluru
c) Bang Bang Bangalore(ok ok... I know the last one is not supposed to be in the list, but it just sounded cool).
Changing a name is no ordinary thing to our politicians, Nooooo. On Nov 1st, a huge function was organised in the Chinnaswamy Stadium celebrating the 50 years of the formation of Karnataka(Question : What is the Kannada version of Karnataka?? Please submit your entries as a comment to my blog as soon as possible. The first prize is a shiny brand new 5 rupee coin.Also early birds get the worm.. Real worms!!)The CM officially changed the name of Bengalooooru and 9 other cities(Cities, if you can call them that!!) and he thus spake "During this golden jubilee year, the Karnataka government will fulfill the wishes of Kannada people by changing the names of key cities to its Kannada form" Please note, wishes of Kannada people.Bingo!!!! Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!! And the winner is...... CM HDK. Man our CM is good. He can read the minds of all the Kannada people. How did he know this man. Amazing. All the 'Kannada people' would have been like "Ever since I was a kid I had a dream. A wish. A hope. A wish not that I would become rich and/or famous and/or marry someone who's hot or get into a threesome with hot japanese twins(hold on!!! thatz my wish :-) oops!! sorry) or whatever, but wish that the name Bangalore should be changed to Bengalooru. C'mon. Really. I mean how weird would that be. Imagine some bubba(read : stupid/pyaade) actually pulling off this kinda shit. It would be as weird as Hrithik actually acting or Himesh singing from his mouth or whatever.

Herez a really weird scenario. Our 'main man' Bubba is walking down the street in Choolnagar and comes across an envelope that says " FREE PORN!!!!" across it in bold letters. Bubba, the horny toad that he is, immediately rushes to open it up and POOF!!! a genie comes out of the envelope.

Genie : Who the f^#%k was that?? Who the hell wakes me up!!! #$%@#&@#(*)@#.....
Bubba : Oh!! Sorry... Sorry... I thought this envelope contained some kinda free porn... I'm soo sorry.. Who are you by the way?
Genie : Who am I?? I am "The Genie"... Jeez.. Haven't you seen the cartoon "alladin and his magic lamp".. I am the freakin genie from that!!!
Bubba : Buuuttt... Buuutttt.. Why are you here?? Why aren't you with Alladin?? Why are you in a lamp??
Genie : Ya.. Alladin... One day his he wasn't home, you know, and his wife was all alone, you know.... Gigadigigadigigadigo....
Bubba : ok ok.... but what about the lamp
Genie : Cost cutting dude... Lamps are becoming very expensive nowadays and we have to resort to cheap tactics like this!!! Anyways.. You know the drill... Ask for a wish and I will grant it
Bubba : I thought it was three wishes..
Genie : I already told you... Cost cutting... What are you??? Bubba?
Bubba : Ya
Genie : Oh! Sorry about that.... I can change that if you want ;-)
Bubba : No, Ever since I was a kid, I had a wish, a dream.. That the name Bangalore be changed.. Be changed to its kannada name.. Bengalooru
Genie : What the ooru!!!! You have got to be kiddin me!!! In all the years of a genie, I have come across some really weird wishes, you know, Telgi said he wanted a top heroine for a night!!!(5 crores later it happened), Hitler said I need a moustache to assert my power(Hehe, He didn't know that I played a prank on him), Micheal Jackson said he wanted to be white and loved by all the kids!!! and so on... But this is extreme... Too much... Screw it!!! I Quit... No more genie business for me
Bubba : But what about my wish
Genie : Knock Knock
Bubba : Huh!!
Genie : I said, Knock Knock
Bubba : oh!! Whoz there
Genie : Go F#$K yourself

You know what I mean. Anybody would be petrified with such silly wishes. Wish!! Who was he kiddin!!!! Bengalooooooru!!! I'll tell you what. This city doesnt really need a new name. As the Bard of Avon aka Bill Shakespeare once said " Whatz in a Name ", but also mind you, this is the same sadistic ,gay ba%@$#d who a) used only men in all of his plays and b) killed of all his characters in the end. You really don't take things said by this guy seriously. No but, Bengaloooooooru has lots of the other issues towards which the government has turned a blind eye. Bad roads, power shortages, hopeless transportation services, really rude autorickshaw drivers( they are almost as bad as the Chennai ones!!!) , hopeless water supply, bad looking girls etc etc. The condition of our road is so bad, its now famous. The Bengalooooooooru potholes have a website for themselves!!! (http://www.bangalorepothole.com). I mean c'mon, the only thing keeping our city alive is the IT industry and even that, we are losing it to Delhi area. Instead of concentrating on these issues, the government thinks that renaming a city will turn around its fortunes. If thatz the case, then our 'main man' bubba will change his name everyday!!!! A lot of money has been unnecessarily spent on this renaming which could have been used more effectively. Thatz not even the best part. Everything changes because of this. Imagine walking into Bengalooru Central(The crappy shopping mall), or Bengaloooru International Airport( The foreigners will be like, shit, we got into some weird village man.. Lets get outta here!!!!) or the Bengalooru Club(This already weird place gets weirder!!!). And you know whatz the best part?? The renaming will not happen until next year. Next year!!! You know how long that is??? By then Aish would have slept with a dozen guys, Britney would have given birth to half a dozen babies and Angelina Jolie would have adopted them all!!!! Real Issues please

Finally, at the request of a dear friend of mine, I have decided to include disclaimers. I hope this explains everything.

DISCLAIMER:

@Hrithik : I will not apologize for my comments on you in any of my past or present(future even!!)blogs... You are a lousy actor, you always were a daddy's boy and without you dad, your nothing!!!!

@CM HDK : Being the son of the lousiest & laziest politician ever!!! All of this is expected from you. Keep up the good work and the next time you wouldn't even be Elected to the parliment, heck, not even in your own street!!!! And dude, your son is a nice role model to all the kids.... Pot smoking, Crunked Hippie!!!!

@ Himesh : Dude, two words, "You Suck!!!!"

@ Bill Shakespeare : I payed 250 bucks for the tickets of that lousy movie Omkara!!!! This isn't over yet!!!!

@ Aishwarya Rai : Move over Grandma, Hurricane Katrina coming through!!!!

@ Japanese twins : Call me

@ Bubba : HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

@ Gays : If this includes the lesbians too, then I have absolutely nothing about them

Al Qaeda threat to South Indian Airports!!!!!

An airport official in Trichy( A small city/town/village in Tamil Nadu) said that he recived a letter that threatened bomb blasts in all the South Indian airports. In the words of the tennis god John McEnroe "You've got to be kidding me!!!!". Which idiot writes letters like these. Hamburger. "We are going to bomb all the South Indian airports".That's a dead giveaway. Haven't these guys ever heard of stealth?? Haven't these guys watched any of those movies where they teach you how to do a terrorist attack??.Hamburger. This proves one thing though."We Indians are never really good at doing anything right!!". I mean, imagine the plight of the guy who spearheaded this whole initiative.He would have meticulously planned the whole event, leaving on
final detail i.e. the letter to his assistant. He would have told him to give the letter to the airport authorities AFTER the bomb attacks. Also,c'mon,who writes a terrorist letter in tamil!!!!. I mean that should have been the biggest goofup in the historyof terrorism.Bin laden must be spinning in his dialysis machine!!! An Al-Qaeda threat in tamil...C'mon... This is the problem with these tamilians. There are sooo gung-ho about their language( They had once asked for the constitution to be rewritten in Tamil!!!), they refuse to learn
other languages. To them, Hindi & any other language is a ton of bullcrap and Tamil is the national langauage of India. Hamburger.I bet,the guy who wrote the letter must have refused to learn any language other than tamil during his schooling in terrorism school in Pakistan. See this is what we lack in India. A proper Terrrorism school like they have in Pakistan. Pakistan calls it ISI, but whatever.Terrorism school really helps.They help you eliminate the silly mistakes like the ones these guys did.The following are some of the sessions held there:

Lesson 1: Do not, I repeat, Do not send out any hoax message, Finish the work and then send out
the message
Lesson 2: Watch a lot of Terrorism-based English movies like Munich, Fahrenheit 911,World Trade
Center and all the Hrithik Roshan movies(his movies are soo bad that they provoke terrorism!!!) etc

Did you know the list of cities that were on that list!!!! Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore and some airports in Kerala. Hahaha Kerala.. Imagine how frustrated the terrorist must have been with all the mallus(I mean, No Offense but how isn't??). He has decided to bomb some airports in Kerala even though it wasn't on his agenda. I guess this is how the conversation must have been

Terrorist 1: So macha, you got the list of airports to bombaaa. Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore...
Terrorist 2: Ya Ya.. We have gone over the list like a million times... Hamburger...
Terrorist 1: Macha I know this we are terrorists and we are like trying to eliminate all the worldly evil and stuff. Why don't we bomb some cities in Kerala Macha!!!! It would be fun
Terrorist 2: Kerala.. Dude... We have already finished the testing and you are coming up with new requirements now!!!!
Terrorist 1: But macha, like I said before "We are like trying to eliminate all the worldly evil" and we are doing nothing to the mallus. No offense, but aren't they the ones we are supposed to eliminate???
Terrorist 2: I agree with you da, but the problem is that none of the mallus are now in Kerala. Eliminating all the mallus is a very cumbersome process, coz other than Antartica they are present everywhere. They are everywhere. They are like Gults(read Andhraites) in the IT industry. We cannot track them down.
Terrorist 1: But I want to kill some mallus (Crying....)
Terrorist 2: Ok ok.. Stop crying like a baby. We shall also bomb some kerala airports. Some, hell.... there's just one airport in Kerala.. Lets bomb it....

Chennai, Trichy, Madurai, Coimbatore!!!! Which brainiac decides to bomb these airports. Other than Chennai, there are hardly 10 people in all the other three airports combined and all of them are airport personnel!!! Hamburger. All these mistakes come with the lack of a good terrorist school... I hope the government seriously looks into this issue and considering setting up a school at the earliest..

Mera Bharath Mahan!!!

Jai Bharath Mata ki!!!

Britney Spears files for a divorce

Breaking News!!!! Britney Spears has filed for divorce. Like anybody really cares!!!. I know that the US are really celebrity-crazy and this must be like a huge news to them, but seriously, it was in all the news channels here in Apna Bharath. NDTV,CNN-IBN(Understandable coz CNN = US), Headlines Today etc. I mean, don't we have
celebrity issues of our own to discuss. Do we really need to be burdened with this firangi stuff!!!! I mean, we have really big issues here like:

1) Is Karan Johar really Gay??(Now thatz not really an issue, is it!!!. Its more of an open and shut case)
2) Is Aishwarya Rai ever gonna get married??( I really hope she does real soon, coz there are real few people out there like Tiger aka Hemanth who dig Old and I mean really OLD and cold chicks like her. And p.s. not wearing a bikini in dhoom2 doesn't help either.)
3) Will Himesh Reshmaiyya ever take his cap off??(Oooohhhh, gotcha.. I know you guys were expecting the whole singing thing. I really am not going there.Enough has been discussed about that already.)
4) Should Sholay really be remade??(Of course!!!! Cmon guys, If SRK can pull of a Don, then anything is possible & p.s. that really hot Nisha Kothari is starring in the movie.All the more reason for a remake ;-) ;-) )

I really don't understand this whole celebrities thing. Why is there so much focus on their lives??Does this really mean that people here are sooo jobless that they really care about whatz going on in somebody else's life.I mean, if you are so focussed on other people's lives, then guess what? Gowramma of Lingarajapuram gave birth to her fourth child!!! Now thatz news. Why is that in the news channels. I'll tell you why. Coz nobody gives a s%#t about her, but if she had acted in something as small as a TV show, then everybody would have been gung-ho about the birth. Real Issues people!!! We need to focus more on the real issues.Abhisek Bachhan wasn't considered for the role of Jai in the upcoming "Ramu ka Sholay" but will now be seen in an item number in the same movie!!! See, this is exactly what I mean.Is this
something that is really that should hog all the headlines. We are becoming celeb-crazy to just plain crazy.We need to focus more on the real issues How many people know "Which is the national fruit of the country?(Mango)" or the verses of our national song " Vande Mataram" and its who is it's writer.Most of the people in our country don't even know the name of the first President of Independent India. But 90% of our population know the name of Shah Ruk Khan's kids, Aishwarya Rai's Hollywood movie names and so on. God!!!!

Everybody says "India will become a superpower by 2020". India will better US in all aspects. I honestly do not see that happening. I'll tell you why. We have many factors hindering our progress

1) Poverty : Around 25% of India still is under the poverty line.This has increased the child labour in India
2) Uneployment : Contrary to the popular belief, around 10% of our population is still unemployed
3) Low Literacy : The literacy has increased from 52% in 2002 to 58% in 2005(Not Enough)
4) Reservations : This is a blog entry in itself

All of the above facts are picked up from https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/in.html

So it's high time we start shifting our focus from celebrity nonsense to real issues. Movies are fun, agreed. But I believe, once you get out of that cinema theatre, you should get out of the Fantasy world of cinema and get into the real life.

Mera Bharath Mahan!!

Jai Bharath Mata Ki!!!

P.S Guys, dont waste your time in arguying whether Himesh Reshmaiyya can sing or not!!! Try to find out ways to make more money then that dude. Now thatz a challenge.

Helmets Schmelmets

Before I start blogging any further, I would like to take my dear old thata(bhargav's) advice and stop all the profanity. So for the last time, FUCK!!! There, I got it out of my system.

Now that that is out is out of the way, a really weird thing happened in my office today.This event was preceded by a mail sent by some dude in my office. The mail read as follows:

"Dear Friends(friends, oh c'mon!!!!),

As as Monday i.e. November 6th, wearing helmets is absolutely mandatory inside the campus. All those failing to do so will not be permitted inside the office campus

Regards
Some dude"

A couple of things are to be noted here.
a) The above mentioned campus is about 40 acres big
b) 70% of the vehicular population are four wheelers
c) 70% of the total population are pedestrians

The mail really confused section b) and section c) i.e. the four wheelers and the pedestrians. This lead to some people carrying helmets to office(guess they must have got really weird stares in the buses they traveled!!!). The two-wheeler traffic didn't know if the rule applied to pillions too(coz most of the pillions were the girls who were freeloading of the poor, clueless guys). You know what this led to?? The highest absentism in the history of the organization. More people turned up the day we were protesting that belgaum shouldn't be parted off to Maharastra( Oh no!! not again, not after we gave away Kasargod and Hosur and half of AP)

This helmet rule really confuses me. I mean, I am all for safety and stuff, but just forcing you to protect one part of your body and will to let the other really really important parts(If you know what I mean ;)- ;-) ) are left vulnerable. I mean what use is your brain if your essential parts are functioning well. Its like a hotel without self-service or the other essential services. Nowadays, even brainless guys get laid easily, but guys with the bare essentials... nahhh, no chance... The government should keep this in mind and draft some new laws i.e. just like wearing a helmet is now mandatory, wearing of cups(i.e. ball guards) should be made absolutely mandatory. Funny when that will happen. Imagine the plight of the traffic cops who have to do routine checks :

Cop : Aaaa Stop!! Stop!!! I say...
Helpless dude : yes sir
Cop : Aaa pant bichappa... Remove your pant I say..
Helpless dude : But Sir...
Cop: Ehh Remove I say
Helpless dude : But Sir
Cop : Ehh.. Pant bichthiyoo illva gaadi seize maadlo
Helpless dude : saarr.. adhu.. urgentnalli ivathu kachane haakilla
Cop : (After the check up)Aaa.. this is the last and final warning...Next time eethara maadabeda..By the way, This is my fone no...call maadu... we shall meet up ;-) ;-)

If you ask me, I really dont like the way the government has dealt with this whole helmet business. I mean enforcing it on people is reallly wrong. It should be left on the discretion of the driver, you know. If driver says " Duh, I am soo stupid that I will not wear a helmet, Duh" then so be it.

The government should be concerned with the real issues. The Govt. of India should take a page of out CTS(cognizant's) books. Many of you were aware that CTS recently celebrates the company $1 billion worth by distributing free Ipods to all its employees. The Govt of India should also do something similar, you know. We, India, recently touched the 1 billion mark, in population that is(hooray???). The govt of India should celebrate this auspicious occasion by giving something away too... you know what???

CONDOMS!!!!

Jai Bharath!!!!

India ki Jai!!!!