im lovin IT - part I

Man..it's been a while since i've last blogged.Guess I was too busy with my work(hehe..Ya rite).You know what the toughest thing about blogging is... 'The freakin topic"... Sometimes you never seem to know what to wanna write about. Then I wondered, "why should I look around for topics when I can write about something that I see & experience everyday".The IT world.Considering the fact that I've been there for almost three years now so I qualify to make any observations, good or bad.. mostly bad.. really really bad.

The first thing that comes to my mind when I talk about IT is the concept of bench. First of all which retarded,himesh-lovin, tree-huggin,break-dancin hippie from AP came up with this word BENCH for IT. Is this supposed to be some morale booster for us?? I guess they got this word from sports, mostly from football, where u have a bench(for all those keepin score, Football is a game played mostly in the Commie states of kerala and WB & the hippy state of Goa, where it apparently is more popular than "world most popular sport" - IDIOTS!!). The issue is that you get to see more action on a football bench than an old age home(read IT).I heard somewhere that the average bench strength in any IT company(im only talkin about the BIG players here) is around 30%-40%. WOW!! That means out of 10 people, 4 people dont have any work and other 6 pretend that they do! Hey, don't get me wrong.. Being on bench is a lot of fun..Trust a guy who's been there for three years! This is what amazes me with the guys on bench, there are two kinds of them. One,pretends that he is not on bench even though he is and acts all serious and pretends that he is busy all day(hate these losers) and the second kind(that's me) are the guys who act like they are on bench. We have hour long coffee breaks,longer lunch breaks,sit in the caferteria all day discussing Indian politics even though we dont vote. Some guys "utilize" this periods to improve on their TT, Pool, Foosball skills. SO the next time you meet someone who shoots good pool or plays TT well, there a 75-25 shot that he's from IT.

Ok, that's wat 40% percent of the people do, wat do the other 60% of the people. They pretend that they are workin and always try to rub that into the people who are on bench.They always come early into office and leave late in the evenings(that shows that they are not productive, right!!).Another thing with IT guys is that they get really pissed when they compared to the folks at BPO. This is must be pissing them off as they are reading this at this very instant. Cmon, what difference is there really between us. We work in shifts, they work in shifts. We have uselsess status meetings, they have useless meetings. We take hours trying to convince THE client on the phone(also called conference call) that he's an IDIOT, they try to convince THEIR clients on the phone that they are IDIOTS. We get paid exceedingly high for something a monkey with absolutely no social skills(read a developer) can do for us.. You know what.. the same monkey would freak out if they had a do a job at BPO. And dont tell me that they work night shifts coz every in IT company, people do night shifts. The only difference is that we, the IT guys, need to have "technical" skills and they dont need that. Wow. Really!! If your technical skills was so niche, then how come ur so easily replacable in ur office?? IT people need to respect other people and professions too(which I highly doubt).

There are several things unique to IT people and the small little world they live in. Everyone is a mess in IT when it comes to communicating with others, be it verbal or written. Here's a trick to freak out an IT guy.. Ask him to write a mail to the client telling him that his requirements were not met coz they were not clear enough. Here's a guy how can code 5000 lines of code with ease but starts hyperventilating when it comes to writing a mail.Messenger and chat services are a boon to these guys. Otherwise bumbling, stumbling guys become extemely social to the extent of being a pain in the rear. They start messaging the guy who sits in the next cubicle! Meetings is a form of cruel punishment that is employed in the IT world.For those not familiar with this concept, imagine a group of monkeys sitting in a circle and someone tosses a coconut in between.. That is wat we call a meeting. The manager is absolutely clueless about anything and the only guys who know something are the ones who think that they would rather be castrated than speak in a meeting. So, that usually leaves the half-baked(read me!) guys to talk during the meeting.The punishment within the punishment is given to those who are to prepare the MoM(minutes of meeting). They have to transform to a low self-esteem IT professional to a low self-esteem secretary and jot down all that is said in the meeting.How exciting! There is a way to avoid this though, a technique that I always employ. When it's my turn to draft the MoM, I make such a mess of by makin the manager the go-to guy for all the action points!! Trust me. DO this and u will never have to make the MoM ever again. 

To be continued.... 

Time it takes before they get any.......

People make mistakes. Many of them are really stupid ones. What we dont realize is that the effect that these mistakes can have. In the case of married/engaged/doing-timepass-and-dont-give-a-shit -about-the-future types, mistakes can usually effect one thing. SEX (which will henceforth be referred to as Giggity Giggity Goo). Depending on the nature of the mistake, the punishment or 'the time it takes before they get any' can vary.

Mistake commited by the Guy -- Time taken before he gets any

1) Telling her that she cried like a little baby while watching one of her girly movie -- 4 days

2) Telling her that the saas-bahu soaps that she watches are full of sh*t -- 2 days

3) Failure to be serious during answering of a quiz from Cosmopolitan -- 3 days

4) Shushing her during ESPN Sportscenter -- 8 days

5) Actually saying "No I dont want to go" when she says "It's ok if you dont want to go" -- 6 days

6) Not answering quicky or vehemently enough when she asks if you would ever cheat on her -- 12 days

7) Suggesting the idea of a "threesome"......
..... with her friend -- 2 days
..... with her sister -- 20 days
..... with her mother -- 6 months

8) Using Logic -- 6 days

9) Using the 'told you so' when she screwed up something really bad -- 7 days

10) Shrugging ur shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent an hour and a half putting on looks -- 2 days

11) Using any expression other than "making love" to refer to sex -- 4 days

12) Accusing her of "having PMS"...
..... when she doesnt -- 8 days
..... when she does -- 12 days

13) Scratching your privates and asking her"wat the hell did u give me" -- 3 months

Mistake commited by the Girl -- Time taken before she gets any

1) Ordering some psychic stuff from amazon and running up a bill for 10,000 -- 1 hour

2) Running off with the neighbour , but coming back after a week -- 1 hour

3) Wrecking his car totally -- 1 hour

4) Selling his dog to a korean/chinese resturant -- 1 hour

5) Shredding his entire collection of collector's edition comics -- 1 hour

6) Buring all his clothes -- 1 hour

7) Killing his mother -- 1 hour

8) Accidentally enlisting him in the army -- 1 hour

9) Sleeping with his brother, the act being captured on a webcam and broadcast live on the internet -- 1 hour

10) Taping over his tape of India-Pakistan world cup watch with some cookery show -- 1 hour

I dont know about you people, but I really see a problem with calling women the weaker sex. The really weaker sex is the men here.

You can always disagree with me..

Things that pisses me off........(part 2)

List of people that make me so angry that I wanna rip out my eyeballs out and replace it with
my other pair of balls....

1) People that send Good morning and good afternoon and good evening mails.

2) People that have a saying in the signatures of their mails. Hey buddies, guess what? I dont give a rat's ass about wat Aristotle said or wat Conficious said. You know, actually if someone put this saying, that would be saying the truth :

"Men like me are really are so jobless that we take out our frustration by annoying others
with meaningless anecdotes"
- Frustrated, Jobless, stupid software engineer

3) Credit card company representatives, who by the way have the worst sense of timing in the world, call you up to offer really lucrative deals with their credit cards. Guess what people -
THERE ARE NO LUCRATIVE DEALS IN CREDIT CARDS. Once you get one, you are screwed for life!!!!

4) Indian cricket team selectors. Wat the hell. I guess these guys are having lemons for eyes and peanuts for brains. I'll tell you why. If you made my 8 year old cousin as the selector of the national team, he would not pick jackasses like Sehwag ,Harbajan, Pathan, Agarkar. The last time I remember these guys performing was in the 20th century!!!!!If you ask the selectors why they select these numbskulls, they'll say that we are short of talent. SHORT OF TALENT!!! People, of 1 billion people if we cannot have a decent team of 11 players then I think it is high time we get out of the sport.Australia, that beer swilling redneck prison convicts down south, have a population of 20 million(2% of ours) can have one great team and a bunch of awesome reserves, the I really think itz time we went back to our roots - beating up people with hockey sticks

5) PETA(People for the Ethical treatment of Animals): A group of the Biggest losers on the
planet.Their slogan is "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment". Wat the @^#%? Let us look at these one by one

a) Wearing dead animals is a stupid thing that these ladies do. I mean, these ladies can wear a dead fox around their shoulders, but are scared of a cockroach?? This is crazy
PETA 1, sane humans 0
b) Experiment on: As I already mentioned in my previous post, hippies can be used for this
purpose, but then the whole world would start noticing. So we have no other options. I mean,
who will poor Paris hilton or Madonna test their new line of cosmetics on?
PETA 1, Sane humans 1
c) Entertainment: This one is a no-brainer. Where would we be without animal movies like
Jurassic Park, King Kong,Godzilla, Dr Dolittle or the animated ones like Shrek, madagascar.
I mean you would have no cock fights, maybe in NASA bar Bangalore ;-) ;-).
PETA 1, sane humans 2
d) Eat : PETA 1, sane humans 3

I mean the guys at PETA , assuming that they are veggies, are at fault too. Plants have
feelings too. Nobody cares about them. Just because they can't speak doesnt mean that we
have to harm them. Please read PETV

6) Indian kids under 18 who think they are american : Dear Reader, Please do me a flavour.
If you ever find an Indian kid impersonation americans(usually blacks) or american culture,
give them a hard kick in the ass.Stupid Idiots. Mimicking the americans would be like
mimicking the apes.

7)Anybody and everybody associated with ZOOM television: Cmon. A channel dedicated only to see wat the celebrities do, where they eat and other news.U want real entertainment. Go to
Majestic area in the evening with a camera and see all the tomfoolery that happens there.

To be continued....

Hippies are Dummies!!!!!

Oxford Dictionary defines a hippie as follows : A Hippie is a pot-smoking, nature loving, peace craving, vegetarian, HIV-spreading, Space -wasting, classic rock listening, dumb, idiotic, impractical, dumb morons.

Man I hate hippies... I get so pissed off with them... Many times I wonder what purpose they would serve in the real world... Here are a list of things that I thought could be done with the hippies:

1. Parking your car on them.
2. Sending them to any war so they get killed instead of real people.
3. Medical testing (they're stupid like animals; just knock them out and give them a shot.. they won't know what happened)
4. Using them for ammo. We should pack them into missiles and launch them over towards Pakistan. Their smell is potent enough to make any enemy surrender.
5. Target practice
6. Fertilizers(Hippies always say that they are in touch with the nature)
7. Hippies make great janitors in prison (after all, they have the smell down).
8. Decorations. Add colour to your festival celebrations with a few hippies impaled on your walls (Dracula style).
9. Hippies make great scapegoats. Bad day at work? Famine? Plague? Cancer? Blame it on hippies.(This is usually what I do)
10. Hippies are always good for kicking and would act as a great football.
11. Hippies are fun to tease (good for laughs when you're bored)
12. Raw sewage storage (Hippies will eat anything)
13. Hippies are flammable and make for great campfire fuel.
14. Hippies will do free work to clean up the world (those suckers love earth).
15. Hippies are great for mixing with cement and throwing off bridges (just for fun).
16. Hippies are perfect for running over (always sleeping on park benches and sidewalks)
17. Hippies can be used as flotation devices i.e. they can be kept under your seats in an airplane and can be used in the case of emergencies(Provided u can stand the stink)
18. Hippies can also be used as dry logs in campfires(They love the nature)
19. Hippies can be used as a mode of transport during bandh times
20. Hippies can be used as dead bodies in the movies( Never get a hippie to act)
21. Hippies can be used as a vacuum cleaner (Beware... They suck really well!!!)
22. Hippies can be used as road blocks
23. Hippies can be used to detect & test new strains of HIV
24. Hippies lungs can be used as ashtrays
25. Hippies can be used as ploughs in the fields
26. Hippie can be used as cleaning tools by proctologists(anal doctors)
27. Hippies can be used as urinals .In the case of emergencies, it can be used for no 2 also
28. Hippies can be used for the measurement of the intensity of natural disasters in hippie scale(This is done by sending the hippies to the eye iof the storm and then counting the casualties)
29. Hippies can be used to check the integrity of weak structures

This is just some of the things that the hippies can do other than.....(what the hell do they really do???)

If you think you know some other useful things that the hippies can do, then please commente.

P.S. I would like to thank lead hippie, Shiv Sahgal, for providing me an insight in the crappy world of hippies

My fav English movies - part 1

1) Godfather 1 2
2) Goodfellas
3) Memento
4) The Matrix 1 2 3
5) American History X
6) Reservoir Dogs
7) The Departed
8) Forrest Gump
9) Batman Begins (Best action-hero flick)
10) Kill Bill 1 2
11) The Incredibles
12) Toy Story 1 & 2 (greatest animated movies ever)
13) Crash
14) Back to the future 1 2 3
15) Groundhog Day
16) Shrek 1 2
17) The TerMinator 2
18) Little Miss Sunshine
19) Scarface
20) Schindler's List
21) Hotel Rwanda
22) Saving Private Ryan

to be continued............

Things that pisses me off.........(part 1)

Today morning I saw the newspaper and the headlines read " Diplomatic twist to slur on Shilpa". It said both the relations between the two governments could be severely affected.What the hell is going on here?? It was a tv show for crying out loud!!! Why didn't the government intervene when R Madhavan was killed due to the use of defect parts in RANG DE BASANTI!!! This made me think(finally!!!)... Usually I am pissed off with so many things, not many people knw that... So I thought I could make a list of things that pisses me off... So here goes

1) Mobile phones : Shocking!!!!These things are so getting f^%$in ridiculous and annoying. Every person I see has a mobile with him/her. Not that there's anything wrong with that though, but the problem is that these guys are not really used to these instruments that they forget the basic mobile manners. I see people riding a motorcycle and also on the phone. This is insane. Both the activities that they are doing definitely do not have the same levels of urgency.. Either pick up the call later or finish the call and then carry on with the journey.Also I am pissed off with the goofballs who forget to set the fone to vibrate in a cinema hall. A crucial scene would be keeping the audiences to the edge of their seats and the goofball's fone rings and he answers it as well!!! Sick of these people...Also the addons(camera,radio,tv,email, blah...blah...) to these fones are increasing in such great speed that o

2) Chinki females: Nooo, I am not getting racist or anything here.. There is a reason why I am pissed off with all these chinky females(question: who are they? where are they from? what the hell are they speaking?). I am riding on my bike,see, and I see this real gorgeous female on a bike/moped/walking whatever, and I race on my bike to have a look at the .............. face of the female and it turns out to be a chinki... So pissed off with them... Why the hell do they have to look so freakin gorgeous from the behind??.. Even if(by god's grace) they are good looking, they are already with a chinki dude whose pants look as though they are going to drop off any moment...

3) Credit Card companies: These guys are the limit... They have this incredible knack of always irritating you at the wrong times.... When you are in a meeting.... When you are eating... Some of them call you up well into the night..I have a solution to all of them... Revive Hitler from the dead and tell him that all these tele-marketers are Jews.... Bam.... All of them together in a gas chamber.....While that is being done, tell him that all the hippies in Goa are also jewish... Two birds in one stone...

4) Hippies in Goa: These fair skinned, pot smoking, gang banging hippies are really getting me more and more pissed off.... Goa is freakin filled with them....I, an Indian, was a minority there.. Are they actually doing anything for either themselves or Goa.... NO.... All they do is smoke pot and lie on the freakin beaches... I was almost happy for a second when I heard that the terrorists were going to bomb Goa!!!!!

5) Aishwarya Rai : Read previous post...

6) Commies in West Bengal : Enough already... Go find something better to do with you pathetic lives..... Almost every day is now becoming a bandh in Calcutta and Buddda aka CM is wondering why more IT companies are not coming there... Pathetic...

7) People who tell that the whole " Noida killings - Moninder Singh" is really blown out of proportion: Blown out of proportion... What the hell is wrong with you jackasses?? He has killed and then screwed around 20-25 people and they are mostly kids!!!!! I say blow that maniac's head off.... I say that all this stupid hanging or a firing squad wont cut it for this guy....I can suggest a way this guy can be executed(If the govt. is listening).... Firstly this guy should not be given a fair trial as only human beings deserve a fair trial....Execute him... Firsty cut off his p@#$S and feed it to him... After that, take a really hot iron rod and stick it straight up his ass..... And then, since he likes kids so much, get Micheal Jackson(similar tastes!!)to beat him with a baseball bat for about a day.... Micheal, in turn, has a clear history as all the previous charges against him will be dropped.... Then get him to drive a car and park it before Siddhu parks it... Siddhu would actually beat him, but not to death(he's not that dumb).... Then announce public ally that he is dating Aish so that Salman would go to him and beat him up... Finally get that cute little girl who played a blind girl in BLACK( no, not Rani) to shoot him repeatedly with a gun.... That would cut it....SOB

This is not complete... I am pissed off with a lot of other things.... Will continue in my forthcoming posts...

Ash set to marry AB's baby!!!

For all my American readers(if there are any), noo, this is not a child marriage..AB's baby is Abhishek is AB's really big, man-child and in India itz legal for a hooker to marry a man-child under Hindu marrige act, section 256 clause 25 amendment 2554854(for all those fags who want to look up, visit www.helplinelaw.com)

No but seriously... I am soo happy for them.. As for Ash, her legs is finally closed for business(Telgi.. Look for someone else!!)..As for Abhishek, dude enjoy it while it lasts... I along with about 100 million guys know that... As for AB, dude there is no law curtailing incest in India yet.. Enjoy Ash till she's open for business again...

Some people might wonder why I am so pissed of with Ash and anything/everything around her. I'll tell you why.. I knw that shez the hotter than my maid but really looks are not the only things that matter... She needs to either choose kwality(Mmmmm, Icecream) film or a Kwality role. Wearing a bikini in movie doesnt make that a kwality role... Hell Shakti kapoor wore a bikini in a movie... Shakeela doesnt wear anything in a movie... doesnt mean shez a kwality actress(whoa! what the hell is wrong with me... Shez the best we got)... Ash has to choose better roles.. She played herself in Dhoom 2(an urban hooker!!).... All her english movies have flopped.. She played a pivotal role in the career downslide and weight loss!!! of Gurindher Chadda (remember Bend it like "whoever is hot right now")...

Her latest movie was Guru( A movie based on Dawood Ibrahim?? no wait Veerappan??no wait Dhirubhai... Hell I can't find any differences among them...) For all those who havent seen the movie yet, the following points may help you out... For all those who have already(other than in tents or pirated CD's)....BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH......BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Disclaimer:I have absolutely no intent of screwing all the pirated CD/DVD guys(u rock!!!) of their business by tell the truth...So I am also including some lies too...)

1) Truth: Aishwarya has delivered the performance of her lifetime
False : A Mannequin(sex-toy) could have played her part and would have won her a filmfare

2) Truth: Vidya Balan has done a awesome performance as a cripple
False : One of the highlights of the film is her death

3) Truth : Madhavan @ Vidya's kiss is one of the best in the recent times
False : Hell ya

4) Truth : Mukesh Ambani was pissed off that he was shown in poor light in the movie
False : I thought the girl who portayed Mukesh was really hot and he has no reason complain to

5) Truth : Dhirubhai Ambani is one of the greatest businessmen India has ever produced
False : Mohinder Singh was one of the truest and most noblest people that ever lived, ever.

6) Truth : Abhishek and Mithun have delivered great performances
False : Yeah!!!

7) Truth : All the songs in the movies were great..
False : 1) What the hell was bappi lahiri thinking?
2) Did Mani rathnam think that just by having good songs at totally irrelevant times would actually prove he is a good director
3) Mallika Sherawat proves that Man-made things are better than god's creation

8) Truth : The movie is worth every paisa the I spent
False : Deepak, I want my movie back!!!!!!!!

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the highest and 10 the least, I give this movie 65536.